Jokes3

The difference between men and women:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes,
there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

You Might Be A Redneck If...

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas it has in it.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos
. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Mafia

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant
about the money, and the message is relayed back
that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to
the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer,
"Ask him again where my money is!" "Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back.
"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss. The attorney replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

HOW TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks.
Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.Bring along old recorded football games,
pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.
Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice,
you were worried for nothing."
When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late,
he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the
necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you,
"THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

Yes the new jokes are in!!!!!!!!!