jokes


Adam and Eve

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to
give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will
cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every
decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the
middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will
always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She
will never whine and ask why you don't pay more attention to her. She will
never ask for diamonds or a huge house and will never complain when you play
golf for 24 hours straight."Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history!

Learn Chinese in Five Minutes

Try to sound out the chinese words- then you'll get it.

Are you harboring a fugitive?   Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.   Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man    Dum Gai
Small Horse    Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!    No Bai DamTing!!
Did you go to the beach?    Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.    Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift.   Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here.    Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed.    Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.    Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet.    Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.    No Pah King
You know the lyrics to the Macarena?    Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright    Yu So Dum
I got this for free    Ai No Pei
I am not guilty    Wai HangMi?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week.    Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived    Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight    Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.    Wa Shing Ka
Pew! does this bathroom stink!   Hu Flung Dung?
no disrespect to the Chinese, of course!

road test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slaphis/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil
look, "Buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of
it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask
him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell
him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is
the gas again?"
8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and
check the oil.
9. Fill your car with beer bottles.
10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11. Tell the registar that you are taking the remedial test.
12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13. Swear at everybody on the road.
14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking
back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
15. Beep your horn at everything.
16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
Warning: If you wish to pass the test, refrain from doing more than
two of these, and be sure to grin widely at the end. ;-]

wizard of oz

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, and says, "I had a terrible time
with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "Who's next ?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward and says, "W-well, w-w-well, I need a new brain."
"Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush with a sad look on his face. "I'm told by the
American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard that it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a long silence.......Bill Clinton is just standing
there looking around, but hasn't said a word. This irritates
the Wizard, and he speaks with a loud voice, "WHAT BRINGS
YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?"

church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.
What should I do? "

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in
the leg.

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs.Jones. "Jesus!" Jones
cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you
are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who
is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the
hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You
stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in
half and shove it up your ass!""Amen", replied the congregation.

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